Work and loss

So who the hell does she think she is?
Yesterday was one of those days that comes along every few months. Jade, one of the most loved people at work, worked her last day, she is going to nursing school. It is an incredible opportunity for her. When people who have been in my life for a long while and they are leaving, I feel sad, normal right? Well it seems my boss always chooses those times to put the hammer down on us, for any little thing that does not meet her anal retentive standard. So combine the two things happening at once, and well I can't wait to leave this place. My heart gets ripped out over and over. It hurts like hell. I am learning that growing older does not necessarily make life easier all the time. I guess pain will always be here.
Chels goes back to school in a bit over a week, that too makes me sad but in way that is very different, she, she has to go, to leap from that cliff yet again to see how stron her wings are in the wind of this life.

coming home

I have a sense, that , I am not to follow, anything or anyone who does not bring me life and questions that move my heart to a deeper thought where I can connect to others. This world, with it's money is everything attitude, where faster is better is going to take us to the edge of life and not in a good way, in a way where we find ourselves saying,"where are we and how did I get here?" Leave the herd behind at times, touch your soul and feel if you want to be where you are.

In these times when countries seem to waste away, and civility along with it, it can be a wondrous thing to stop and take in beauty. Whether it be a persons face seen as if for the first time, or a peaceful country scene full of trees and life.
Take for instance a friend seen from far off, after years of disappearence, coming again to say hello, the heart knows the truth, we have never been seperated, just the illusion of it.
Yesterday as I was working, a woman sternly told me to fill a bowl back up, and then instructed me to clean the table the bowl was on. At first I was indignent, then hours after I see she is stuggling like many, and wants to be taken care of, maybe not with the samples but with a heart to listen.
So compassion even in retrospect can be beneficial for all, myself and for all like her. May we all be blessed.

Next

" Who would have thought my shrivelled heart Could have recovered greeness?
This is a quote written by George Herbert.
I was thinkng about this on this beautiful sunny morning. I know for me that my heart has at times been bent over in a shape it should not be able to be, I think I will not make it. I kept telling myself if I can hold on just a bit longer the worst would be over, and sure enough, I listened to my heart, stronger than one would think it be, felt like i was swimming straight up under water, gasping for air, I reach the surface, take a deep breath and yell to the gods above with a joy that one has after being at the edge and coming back to life.
I write for all of us who suffer and walk again into the day to see.......what's next?

Tightrope

As I was sitting in meditation this morning the vision of Karl Wallenda kept popping up. I was curious, one scene had him on the rope between the World Trade Center towers another one performing with his family doing the famous human pyramid. I was wondering what the person on the top of the pyramid was feeling like. Were they nervous, confident,relaxed? Then I wondered if we/me feel like that at any given moment. The knowledge that the whole thing could collapse and there is nothing I could do about it. Which I think is the way life is anyways, it can all change in a moment and we can do nothing at all to change the event.
I also had the picture of when Karl fell from the wire in Miami, he crashed onto a car and was dead. I recall he was something like 80 years old when that happened, he died doing what he loved.
There are so many moments in one life that we do not even see until later in out years, maybe it is better that way, maybe I would be overwhelmed if I got it with it in the moment, all the ramifications of any event, from meeting a new friend, to taking a step towards one dream, take the step anyways!

There are parts of ourselves that we want to just throw into the deep end of the pool and never have to look at again, things we can not stand about ourselves. Then as age mellows us we can either drain the pool so we can deal with all the stuff we have thrown in, or we can risk drowning and jump in and try to deal with it while holding our breath. I would rather do it while being able to breathe and not be in a hurry. So, I think that is what is happening in my life these days, drain the pool and see what I have thrown in there.

Holding the space...

Today and recently I have been thinking about the space that remains when a person whom you care about is no longer there. It doesn't seem to matter if they moved away, left you with a broken heart or have passed on.
I always feel the space that they walked in is still there, it is as if I am holding the space for them to return to it. Whether they do or not is not really a concern for my heart, it is for God and the Spirits to care for.
There have been friends in my past who have left, some under difficult circumstances, some who have passed on into death from this life, pursuing the next life. After the person is no longer there, I still feel them there. It is as if it is a sacred duty to hold that space for them, so that when they return that place will draw them back once more to continue to walk our path together, no matter how long. I find this is a feeling full of hope and presence, always in my heart.

Wednesday, So, I just looked at my calendar and noticed that tomorrow is Earth day. I remember when I was thirteen that in Vermont there was a day each Spring that was called Green Up Day, which I hardily joined in on. It was fun. My friend Tim and I went out in back of his house where there were some woods. I remember cleaning up any junk that was around. I do recall that there were other neighbors too. Wonder if that was on Earth Day, just by a different name in Vermont?
I am painting the doors in my condo, a nice shade of red called calif. poppy. Inspired by the colors I have seen in various Buddhist settings. The trim on the door will be a color called sweet mandarin, a sort of burnt orange color. I wonder what my daughter will say when she comes home from college and sees it!
While reading the book "Divine Beauty" I came across this piece by Juan Ramon Jimenez called Oceans.
I have a feeling that my boat
has struck, down there in the depths,
against a great thing.
And nothing
happens! Nothing........Silence.......Waves
Nothing happens? Or has everything happened,
And are we standing now, quietly, in the new life?

Words

I have often wanted to write, the reason is that I can get to know what is on my inside better by seeing it in words and maybe gain some sort of understanding that is not available to my mind in other ways. Also, to allow other people to understand and have a glimpse into the quiet valleys and around the corners of my inside that are not out in the open.

I am now 51 years old, hopefully have gained some wisdom from all the life that has passed through me and some of it remains in bits and pieces of the full story that is my life.

Yet, right now I need to go eat my breakfast and do my morning sitting. I am listening to John O' Donohue at the moment. A wonderful Irish poet/philosopher, a set of cds called "Bless this Space Between us" He died a few years ago yet left a rich treasury of his work on which to draw. I urge you to find and listen to what inspires you in your heart.