Hello sadness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again......
one thing about sadness,melancholy is it always walks back in the door.
Kevin
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What's my name?
I just saw on 60 minutes a group of teenagers who spend a school year learning how to sing gospel. They all come from disadvantaged backgrounds as far as families, missing parents etc. It was amazing, one of the exercises the teacher has them do is to shout out their names, shout them out loud! It was so moving, so sad that so many couldn't do it, many would mumble their names, many would say it so softly that you couldn't hear what they said. They would do this exercise each day at class. At their last performance of the year they did it after the last song, in front of the audience. No one was sure what would happen with this one young woman who had not done it all year, so when it came time to say her name, for the first time all year, she shouted it out and I imagine she regained some ownership of a part of her that was missing, one she had abandoned years ago, just like many people abandoned her so many times.
How many times have I abandoned myself in the face of others, how many times I have not shouted my name for all to hear because I was afraid, because I was not sure, because I chose to play safe, because safety was all I wanted, more than I wanted to own who I am, and you know that was okay for then. Each day I get more opportunities to say my name to those who care and those who scare me, many don't understand but my heart does, to take just the next step.
How many times have I abandoned myself in the face of others, how many times I have not shouted my name for all to hear because I was afraid, because I was not sure, because I chose to play safe, because safety was all I wanted, more than I wanted to own who I am, and you know that was okay for then. Each day I get more opportunities to say my name to those who care and those who scare me, many don't understand but my heart does, to take just the next step.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
An hour of TV.....
So, today a study came saying that if you watch an hour of TV, it is equal to losing 20 mins of your life!? Wouldn't it equal to losing an hour of your life? Is this study saying that the more TV you watch the longer your life will be. I mean an hour is an hour, whether you are watching tv or reading a book. So in my funny way of looking at this, the more tv you watch the better? So 3 hours of TV would equal 1 hour of life. Not such a bad deal. Oh well, I just keep rambling on, you can just go do what you were wanting to do anyways.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Gentle Rain.
Ahhhhh, this gentle rain that wakens me to this day. I am so grateful for it's prescence. It reminds me of the true forces in this world. Not those of man or companies or the work our hands do, but of the work our collective and indivdual souls do each day. Some of the days are so hard anf difficult one wants to cry and end this life because of the struggle, yet others are so full of light and warmth that I have nothing but gratitude for the blessing of being a witness to this. A soft voice tells me that it will be alright, everything will be alright. The distirbances around me are just illusion, a news story at 6, then by 11 it is another story we contend with. Life is indeed beautiful, we can train ourselves to let it ALL wash over us and let it go, for soon enough our time will be up too, how did we spend it? How did we share it?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Rainy Day
It's Sunday, it's raining and gray. I am feeling slow sluggish and reflective. I wish I could mine these things out of me and tell others what is going on within me, (as if I know) . It is a time of tumbling and feeling squeezed, as if life itself is try to grow a new skin, I wonder if a snake feels like this as it sheds its old skin, and as the new one emerges. Maybe that is the term I need to think about today, I am shedding this skin, this old life I have been living for twenty something years. Yea, I like that. Are you shedding a skin? tell me about it.
Also today I was looking at some pictures of where some children in the world sleep. The one photo that really sticks with me, and there were many, was the picture of just a mattress, on the ground in a field. On this mattress it was told that a family of five sleeps there, at the edge of a field, on the cold ground. Contrast that with the family who owns three homes in various places arounnd the world. One home in New York city, one in Spain and one in the tropics. The unbalance of it all. Isn't that what this world just trying to balance out? Not the people, but the world.
Also today I was looking at some pictures of where some children in the world sleep. The one photo that really sticks with me, and there were many, was the picture of just a mattress, on the ground in a field. On this mattress it was told that a family of five sleeps there, at the edge of a field, on the cold ground. Contrast that with the family who owns three homes in various places arounnd the world. One home in New York city, one in Spain and one in the tropics. The unbalance of it all. Isn't that what this world just trying to balance out? Not the people, but the world.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I got no control.
Thinking of the Eddie Money song with the title.
I am feeling just so lost today, lost with no direction because it all leads back to me and that is one thing I can not run from, at least not in a healthy way anyways. I do have a feeling that this is a normal feeling for a man of my age range. The desire to give more back and not be locked up into giving almost all of my energy to work that no longer gives me life, but seems to drain me more each day. Too many rules and regs. to live by, no autonomy on the horizon!
So what is on the horizon? Right now it is very dark, kind of like when t is two hours before the Sun comes up and daylight happens. I know that sometimes that two hours can last years, and after a lot of wrestling with my shadows I can clearly see it's face, the demon that haunts me, all the time yet can not be seen, just felt. I do get very scared of it at times, thinking "what do you want from me" I fear I know the truth inside and yet am not at this moment not having the courage to face it, but it is there just waiting for me to open the door, the door to freedom.
Kevin
I am feeling just so lost today, lost with no direction because it all leads back to me and that is one thing I can not run from, at least not in a healthy way anyways. I do have a feeling that this is a normal feeling for a man of my age range. The desire to give more back and not be locked up into giving almost all of my energy to work that no longer gives me life, but seems to drain me more each day. Too many rules and regs. to live by, no autonomy on the horizon!
So what is on the horizon? Right now it is very dark, kind of like when t is two hours before the Sun comes up and daylight happens. I know that sometimes that two hours can last years, and after a lot of wrestling with my shadows I can clearly see it's face, the demon that haunts me, all the time yet can not be seen, just felt. I do get very scared of it at times, thinking "what do you want from me" I fear I know the truth inside and yet am not at this moment not having the courage to face it, but it is there just waiting for me to open the door, the door to freedom.
Kevin
Letting go of it....

Good Morning, it is 5:02, I just finished breakfast and at the same time I am eating, I well......just want to let go........of all my concerns. The boss who doesn't know how to communicate, the work I do, what do I really want in this moment? To be free of those things that weigh on me, to ease into my new life that is slowly, oh so slow in coming. A day will come when I say good bye to much of this and I know it will be time to go, to walk out my door, to let the wind blow hard, so hard it may knock me down and I wont want to get up again, but I will, this life is so fierce in many ways but it is exactly that fierceness that keeps me alive, that tells me to get, to take another step into my life, into the world that awaits my arrival. When I get there into the arms of those who have waited for me, joyfully welcoming me so that togethet we may begin again.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What I remember as I wake

Okay, waking to another day. The sun isn't up yet, what the heck am I doing here? I think I edged ever closer to leaving my work at wholefoods last night. I just don't think the management gets it, how to encourage people in there dreams. I know it is not their primary focus, but I do think that it should be included in the way people are supported. I do think that if the co. showed more support for what people love in their lives and encouraged that, that the co. may have much happier people who work there.
I want to get all indignant about work, but I can't really or is it will not. It has become so easy for anyone to be self righteous, like doing that puts me on a higher plain or something, saying, hey, look at me I am telling the truth! Really it is the truth as only I see it, maybe I am not seeing something that would change my mind or my thoughts.
So enough of that rant, thank god.
I do find that as I get older, I have many of the same questions I had when I was 12. Like , what the do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I want to live? Could I really own a small house and be happy? A house that is about 300 sq. ft. I have seen them, I can see myself in one. Will it happen who knows!
I guess the big question at this moment is for me, how the hell do I keep getting out of bed to go to a job that I have been doing for too long now? What keeps me doing it? The only positives there are the few people who "get" me and can understand it. The others who don't I thinnk get scared that I am losing my mind. Maybe I am losing my mind but gaining my heart and returning home.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Water

I am happiest when I sit next to water, like that of the beaver pond, or the waterfall or just the water running out of the faucet. It helps me to believe in magic and hope. Do you remember hope? Really? even in these days!
I spend a lot of time at my JOB at wfm. If I allow it or have a bad day it can suck the air out of my lungs, it can pull the earth out from under my feet, you know why, because, they don't care about me or you, they care about MONEY! that is it.
I care about people, yes even the annoying, whining ones who think they are entitled to something more, I can't agree with them as i hold my thought to tell them to be grateful for the air and the water, be grateful their kids are going to have food today. Did you know 1 out of 7 children will not have any food today, whine about that for a while. Then look to the sky and say, THANK YOU!
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